Pushing Ahead.

by , under personal

It’s been an odd summer. As much as I accomplished, and as many friends as I’ve made online (and I do count you as actual friends), it’s become clear that I need more friends to meet up with.

I blame the Little Kidlet, who is a cuddler. After spending an entire summer with him sneaking into my bed for puppy piles, or jumping on me to snuggle in and sniff (I think he’s possibly part wolf)- I’m feeling an absence now of personal contact. Hugs from friends, bumping shoulders as you crack jokes.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been pushing myself to meet up with friends. A week and a half ago, I went to a goodbye drink thing at Trader Sam’s (the tiki bar at the Disneyland hotel) for my favorite trainee. Panicked while I sat in traffic, but I had a fantastic time. And I’m making plans to meet up with people in the future, too.

To a lot of you, it probably sounds ridiculous. But I’ve essentially become a hermit- I see my family, and I do go out, but there’s this bubble where I stay in my safety zone. For example- there’s a girl who worked at our local Fresh & Easy who I saw a few times a week. I haven’t seen her in ages, and I legitimately panic when it comes to asking if she still works there. Something as simple as that sort of terrifies me, and I really can’t do much about that. I even had an opening today, because the woman bagging the groceries asked where the Little Kidlet was. So we talked about him being in Kindergarten now. But I let her lead the conversation because I was already starting to freeze up just thinking about bringing up anything else.

But I’m trying. I’ve been rearranging my comfortable and safe schedule to make sure that I meet up with people who I don’t see very often. Not letting myself find an excuse to hide. I know that losing Jerad is a big part of it.

Because I’m realizing now that it’s something I do need.