So last night I answered a bunch of questions on Tumblr. (5 or 6 counts as a bunch, right?) And when I logged in today, there was one question waiting for me.
“What is your greatest fear?” Kevin asked, and gave me an out. You see, last night I’d declared it to be a zero filter night and I asked people to ask me questions and I’d answer them all. But if someone gives me an out, it makes me more determined to answer.
I could have said something expected, like spiders. I really do hate spiders, but I don’t really fear them. I could have gone for something personal like losing my children. Or TheBoy. But I’ll be honest, losing them would be difficult. But death is part of life, and that’s something I believe deep down. It might take a long time for me to live again, but I think I’d be able to keep moving.
Instead I tried to think of the truth. What’s the thing that lurks in the shadows, that keeps me up, that ties my stomach into knots? And it suddenly seemed too clear.
I have dark days. Days where I look at myself and see something terrible staring back in the mirror. Someone shallow, self-centered… and I honestly don’t want to continue how I see myself. But it’s a lot more complicated than just those two descriptors. On those days, I can barely look at myself. I can barely do anything because I’m so immobilized by the thought that I am that woman in the mirror.
So, my greatest fear? It’s that others will look at me and see that Whitney. The Whitney that only exists when the Darkness lies. That they’ll believe that Whitney is the real Whitney, and leave me.
I’m sure nobody thought I’d write about this here. That I’d put it on Tumblr (though I already did), where I put all the things I want to say, but am not sure I want everyone to read. I might not know if what I’m battling is depression or some pretty serious self-doubt (though I am going to find a therapist to find out, since I don’t want to live with either), but I know that this probably will ring true with someone.
And if someone else can recognize that they aren’t that distorted image of themselves? Then it’s worth laying myself bare here.