I was going to buy almond milk, but walked out with something else instead…

by , under personal, Pirate

I went to the store this week to get almond milk and left with an emotional crisis and with a jar of anti-wrinkle cream. Which sounds like a really weird niche country song for women with dairy allergies.

I guess I should explain a few more things. So, something has been going on in my life. Something big that’s affected quite a lot of my life, but it’s a Thing I Can’t Talk About. The people who are closest to me know about it, but there’s a really good reason I can’t blog openly about it. I will say, that the Kidlets are healthy and fine, it’s not related to my Crohns, and TheBoy and I are just as strong as ever – it’s just something that’s pulled up a lot of unresolved stuff from my past. So I’m going to therapy. And we haven’t really gotten into much yet (it’s only been two sessions), but it’s enough that when I leave I feel like I’ve cracked myself open and have to put myself back together before I can go back to regular life and the role of mom.

(I should take this moment to thank my in-laws, even though they don’t read this blog, who’ve both taken turns watching the kidlets so that I can go to my sessions . The Kidlets aren’t back in school yet, so I can’t make an appointment during the day.)

After the first appointment, I went to a coffee shop nearby and ordered a chai latte and a cookie. The chai was much too sweet, so this week, I thought I should run an errand instead.

This month of stress has affected me, quite a bit. I’m definitely depressed- though my therapist doesn’t see the need to put me on medication (and I’m glad about that). But it’s affected how I sleep, getting out to run, even sitting down here to write a blog or work on my novel. Sad isn’t it? The things I usually do to de-stress are the things depression doesn’t want me to tackle. (I do plan on getting out to run again – though there is zero chance of me finishing that 10k now. Because of The Thing I Can’t Talk About, I’ve lost a month of training) I’ve been drinking more caffeinated stuff to combat the fatigue, which in turn has led to my skin looking dull and those fine wrinkles you get in your 30s being more apparent. And the less said about the number of grey hairs I’m seeing in my roots, the better.

I’m not making any of this up – when I look at the selfies I posted to Instagram last month, and the very few I’ve posted this month… there’s a noticeable difference on pictures taken with the very same phone, when I’m wearing the exact same makeup, using the same skincare.

Then / Now

But back to the story. I went into Target looking for almond milk, but they were out of the unsweetened vanilla kind (and the other ones are too sweet). As I was heading to the door, I realized I was out of makeup remover wipes, and walked down the aisle and found myself staring at a bunch of anti-wrinkle creams. And after looking at myself in an overly lit mirror, I panicked at the tired and stressed face I saw and bought myself something.

In the car, I realized that this was me riding the emotional roller coaster that comes after a therapy session- and promised myself and TheBoy that I wasn’t allowed to do anything other than pick up dinner on the way home from then on.

It could have been worse. I had been eying some dresses at Target the week prior, and in the mood I was in, probably would have bought about 5. So a $20 jar of anti-wrinkle cream that I probably do need to help get my skin back to where I like it was definitely a better outcome than over $100 in dresses I don’t exactly need.

But there you have it. A sort of explanation of why this blog has been quiet. And a reassurance that I’m okay. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?