Whitney, thy name is Insecurity

by , under personal, Pirate

(I swear, I spent 5 minutes debating which way it goes. Is it Insecurity, thy name is Whitney? I don’t even know anymore)

thynameisinsecurityMy brain is an exhausting space. Despite the fact that my therapist said I’m over my trauma and don’t need to go to therapy on a biweekly schedule… there’s a lot of little stuff that piles up and makes my head a messy place.

This is one of those weirdly personal posts, guys. So, if you were hoping for the latest on geeky stuff, go away and come back on Monday.

I’ve had a couple of really great weeks (about some awesome things that I’m writing posts about, I promise), but I’m at the tailend of a couple of rough weeks now. Things are great overall, but when little things stop going your way, they pile up and it feels like things are working against you.

An example? I could share the drama of a bike shop that was never open when I wanted it to be, but that isn’t really the story I want to share. I could talk about how frustrating it is to watch older relatives age… but this isn’t really the time nor place for that.

In the last couple weeks I’ve had a couple friends suddenly get quiet with me. Ignoring texts or responding in a way that made it clear I was intruding. Short answers, terse tone. And I’ve been agonizing about figuring out what happened. I admit, I’ve always had a hard time maintaining longer distance friendships. I lose track of time, and suddenly it’s been months since I’ve talked with someone.

Only now, basically all of my friends are long distance. I have friends scattered across the US and now New Zealand and Germany. And a sister in Japan. So I send off messages into the ether of the internet, and hope I get responses. Reminding myself that people are in different time zones.

I just don’t know what to do when I don’t hear back from someone, but can see that they’re online and talking to others. I try not to assume that it’s me, especially when I can’t think of anything I’ve done that was offensive. But inevitably, I fail as the days go on, and assume that the problem is me. I begin pouring over every comment/text/email I’ve sent, every other interaction to see if I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Was I too excited about the good stuff going on in my life? Have I befriended someone they don’t like? Did they think I was brushing them off when I just had to pick up my kids?

Rehashing everything isn’t healthy. It just made me a neurotic and distracted mess.

So, I’m trying to accept that there isn’t anything wrong with me, no matter what my brain keeps trying to tell me. In the last year I’ve made a lot of new friends online- and this past month I actually got out of my comfort zone and met people in person, talked, and came away with some new friends! I’m me, and I’m trying to be a good friend. If I’m failing to be what a couple people need, I’m not a mindreader and can’t spend all my week agonizing about trying to please someone who won’t tell me what they need from me.

Because there are a lot of people who do depend on me. The kidlets, my husband. And me, most importantly. I depend on me. And a scattered and distraught Whitney is never going to be a good thing.

Also- to those who’ve been there for me, thank you. It means so much that you listen to me whine and keep me from losing my perspective on things. (And if you’re a friend reading this and didn’t know what was going on, odds are I just figured you had a lot on your plate already. Or you missed the Tumblr post)

Am I alone in driving myself crazy like this? Do you overthink things, too? We should form a support group.