Blindsided by grief. Thanks Facebook.

I’ve written a lot about grief- dealing with the sudden death of my best friend Jerad. (Technically, he was my Rejershnivit – we made up a word because it was impossible to pin down what we were to each other. Platonic soulmates is close)

I have a habit in the morning. A routine, to be precise. I go through my email to delete the junk and flag important things to look at. Then I open my Facebook app to see what I’ve posted in years past. It helps me wake up, considering I’m not a morning person.

The On This Day function is fun – you get to see things that happened in years past. I’ve been treated to pictures of my boys, sometimes moments that I’d forgotten.

Yesterday, I logged onto Facebook, not thinking about what day it was. And in my On This Day section, I scrolled past a blog post about Jerad’s death (which I knew I’d see sometime this week)… to see the FB status I’d made five years ago.

I was blindsided by my own words. That day I’d found out that Jerad had passed away, and I needed time to wrap my brain around the fact that the man who’d always been there, wasn’t. So I was vague. Said I had received some terrible news and would be absent as I needed time to process it. But I felt the bottom of my stomach drop away. The same helplessness. And the void in my life that still exists without him.

While I’d known it could happen, I was still off guard. I just wasn’t expecting those comments to pop back up, as odd as it sounds.

So I found myself immobilized by the wave of grief. In years past I was angry. I was so angry with him for years. For lying about being there when I needed him most, or that he’d have my back forever. Instead, I felt sad. I felt alone.

I was a mess by the end of the day. In sweats, sitting on the couch watching Christmas movies. Double checking a recipe I knew by heart.

I should say that the void in my life isn’t as stark as it was, even a year ago. When he died, the two closest people in my life were Jerad and TheBoy. And slowly, I’ve let other people in. People I hop online to share my news with- good or bad. People I text when I land in a city after a plane flight- just so they won’t worry. People I’ve made new inside jokes with. Bared souls in late night conversations. People I send ridiculous pictures of things that made me think of them.

I’ve grown so much, even with all the setbacks. (I often wonder if he’d be proud. Lately I wonder what he’d think of Hamilton, too. I mostly think he’d be yelling at me to surf less, write more.)

Has social media reopened old wounds of yours?

(PS – I’m posting a sister post to this tomorrow. All FB how-to, no emotions. Just in case you’re wondering how to deal with Facebook’s On This Day)